I'm not a girl, not yet a wooooooman....
Is it just me, or does it seem that the generation of women before us are politely withholding the reality of getting older? Lately, as I’m moving further and further past the wrong side of 25, I’ve been catching little snatches of the things that await me as I grow more womanly. None of which any of the older females in my life have shared with me. Is this a conspiracy? Or a rite of passage before you get to join the “Woman Club”? Here’s my top 5 things your mam probably didn’t tell you, or at least my mam sure as hell didn’t!
1. Always pee after you have sex
If you’re lucky enough to have had this little tip shared with you, yay! You’d be surprised how many women have never been told this. Peeing after sexytimes flushes out nasty bacteria from your tubes, helping to prevent infections. Despite being treated for a number of UTIs and being sent for an ultrasound to ensure all my bits were in working order, no-one thought to offer me this simple bit of advice. Haven’t had a UTI since I was enlightened!
2. From your mid-20s (if you’re unlucky) or mid-30s (if you’re blessed) you will be on grey-hair patrol.
You’ll never forget the first time you spot one, the shiny silver bastard smugly glinting at you in the mirror. You mercilessly hunt it down and kill it, dead. You might also dye your hair “just to be sure”. But a few months down the line, as you notice your roots are growing out suspiciously lighter than they used to, you’ll realise why they stock more varieties of home-dyes than vegetables in the supermarkets.
3. While on the subject of hair… You’ll lose some and you’ll gain some, but not in the places you expect.
As you get older, your hair will decide it’s done with your head (and possibly “below” too) and seek adventure in far off lands. Yes yes we’ve all heard of the sideburns, ‘tache and wiry chin hair. Big deal you say, that’s what waxing/Jolen/tweezers were made for. Well I’ve got two words for you. Nipple hair.
You get to a certain age, you know, you’ve finished bearing children, all that part of your life is over, perhaps you’re not quite so attractive as you once were before, perhaps, maybe, I’m just suggesting, what do I know? And then, you know, you’re not quite so interested in sex or being alive, and then mother nature thinks “what can I do to improve the quality of this woman’s life, how can I help? What can I do for her? What is that magic thing I can, how, what, I know, a beard!” – Dylan Moran
Ah Dylan, if only you knew.
I'll just pop off your pregnant belly and put it on this table and here's your baby! Ta-dah!
4. Bumps, babes and beyond – How about pooping, tearing and leaking?
Pregnancy and motherhood is a wonderful, miraculous thing. We women can make life. Out of our own bodies! LIFE! How freaking amazing is that? I’m totally on board with the idealisation of the glowing mother-to-be; we women should be blinkin’ worshipped. What they don’t tell you though, is that the “glow” comes not from the serene bliss of nurturing life, but from sweating, nausea and bloating. The reality of childbirth is also kept suspiciously quiet. Did you know you will, with 100% certainty, poop during delivery? Yeah, they didn’t show that on One Born Every Minute!
5. Everything that was taut and proud just says, “Fudge you gravity!” and gives up the ghost.
Jowls, bingo wings and chicken necks will no longer be things that dodgy chipper serves up of a Saturday night. Boobs, eyelids, cheeks, arms, back skin, neck skin, arse skin… If it moves, it’s headin’ south. Also you know how you “PMSL” at teh funnies? Well, it won’t be too long till you’ll be able to mean that literally! *Kegels the sugar out of her pelvic floor*
Blobfish is not amused
So there we have it, a few of the things your mam probably hasn’t told you about growing older. Though they’re disturbing, or at the very least, strange, it can’t be that bad right? I imagine that with age comes the grace, confidence and security of self to transcend these things. Or at least to not give a shite. Really the one, overarching truth of becoming a woman, is that one day you will look in the mirror and see your mam. I think I’m ok with that. Are you?
Can you think of any other other hidden truths about becoming a woman that I should prepare myself for? Sharing is caring!
